I may have reached my limit...
For the last several days, I've been feeling that the choice I made to caretake may be reaching it's end. And not because the folks are significantly worse, but because I'm not sure I can continue this much longer. Our agreement to live together for two years (up in December) was solely for the ability to transfer this house into my name after having served as 'child as caretaker' for the two year requirement.
However, I can't qualify for the mortgage on this place and the damn house in SoCal hasn't even warranted a querry in the over two years it's been on the market and without it's sell to pa off (or significantly down) this one, I'm not getting this house anyway so why not move on? I mean, the big reason to stay here is unlikely to happen so what difference does it make if I end the arrangement now or in 6 months??
My shoulders are chronically tense, my brain is permanently overloaded and I'm becomeing a cranky bitch most days (even if I never speak it out loud it's the dialogue in my head...)
I need a good drunk, a good lay or a good cry and I can't figure out how to let go of responsibilities long enough to get any of the three. I never thought I would long for relationship again. I've been through the bad-time blues enough for one life and yet, I long for the supportive, loving, hold you when you're falling apart pieces of realtionship.
I miss entertaining, I miss traveling, I miss listening to my music at top volume (hell, I miss listening to music period), I miss going out spontaneously with friends, I'm damn tired of having a schedule of time off when there are things on other nights that I long to participate in and cannot. I'm angry and sad and scared and I long to be connfident, happy and at peace. And that's an exaggeration as I'm all of those things but the scale is tipped and I feel incapable of any feeling other then gloom and doom --
What a whiny post.
However, I can't qualify for the mortgage on this place and the damn house in SoCal hasn't even warranted a querry in the over two years it's been on the market and without it's sell to pa off (or significantly down) this one, I'm not getting this house anyway so why not move on? I mean, the big reason to stay here is unlikely to happen so what difference does it make if I end the arrangement now or in 6 months??
My shoulders are chronically tense, my brain is permanently overloaded and I'm becomeing a cranky bitch most days (even if I never speak it out loud it's the dialogue in my head...)
I need a good drunk, a good lay or a good cry and I can't figure out how to let go of responsibilities long enough to get any of the three. I never thought I would long for relationship again. I've been through the bad-time blues enough for one life and yet, I long for the supportive, loving, hold you when you're falling apart pieces of realtionship.
I miss entertaining, I miss traveling, I miss listening to my music at top volume (hell, I miss listening to music period), I miss going out spontaneously with friends, I'm damn tired of having a schedule of time off when there are things on other nights that I long to participate in and cannot. I'm angry and sad and scared and I long to be connfident, happy and at peace. And that's an exaggeration as I'm all of those things but the scale is tipped and I feel incapable of any feeling other then gloom and doom --
What a whiny post.
posted by starwyse at 6:48 PM
1 Comments:
Yup. That is real and true. Maybe we should find a Parkinson's Day Care place too so we can spike the music one day like we used to do. "Car Talk" loudly playing in the background then James Taylor, Elton John, Cat Stevens for awhile and, of course, the Big Band Standards - volume be damned!
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